How did you visualize your adult life?
I don’t know about you, but I couldn’t wait to finally become an adult.
I dreamed of a glamorous life, surrounded by people who loved doing what they were doing, confident, happy and successful. In fact, I imagined myself being in-charge of my life and feelings.
Want to know what happened instead?
I am 22 years old, staring at the blank screen of the computer, mind buzzing with ideas, brain condemning me for having just too many unfinished writing projects and while, life just passing by me.
I don’t know if this is the best or worst part, the above was just a part of me. I grew up into a person with varying experiences and fleeting interest that has made me the perfect epitome of jack of all trades and master of none. If anything, I like the idea of selling. So, I guess, it’s easier for me to convince you to see a version of me that I would want you to see.
It all sounds so conceited even to my ears. But, that’s the person I grew up to be.
I am currently learning Japanese and I noticed a common pattern, They often skip the subject, as that’s quite redundant. You could’ve noticed in the entire essay, I love talking about myself. In fact, I am so comfortable talking about me that I can take over the entire conversation if you don’t keep up to my pace. It can slowly turn into a monologue.
Japan as a country believes in communal peace and togetherness. To a self-centered person like me, although I find it fascinating, I can only say, most the times, it becomes too pressurizing. I’ve never learnt to fit a box and I’ve always been known to think out of boxes. Needless to say, I struggle learning the language too. It’s because my issues run deeper than my fascination of the language and it’s people.
As much as I love throwing the aura of self-appreciation or depreciation depending upon the case(PS: I find self-deprecating humour interesting), I still have got a long way to go in terms of being comfortable in my skin. I often write about the art of self-love and being yourself. I’ve come to feel that I write them mostly as a way to point to myself rather than the world.
I dreamed my adulthood, in ways a child can. I dreamed of beautiful dresses, shopping session with ‘friends’, financial independence, being loved by a knight in shinning armour and independence in all ways. Like earlier said, I wanted to do what I love and be around people who loved doing what they love doing.
What I found instead was a reflection of myself on other. I hung on to eccentric people like me, who found it too difficult to gel into the boxes of society and we somehow found solace in each other.
Yet, I can say something with conviction. Now, that I sit back and review life, I have got some things that I want to tell the person that I’ve become.
I want to tell her that it’s okay to feel out of the place and it’s okay to crave for normalcy too. Here are the list of things, I want to tell to the person that I’ve become.
- We’ve been too critical of things and people around us. Just give them all a break, yourself included and don’t be afraid to face your raw emotions. It’s those rare moments when you could get hold of them, if processed well, you can learn the lessons of your life. Stop putting those diplomatic smile and just be your sassy self. It’s time world heard your comebacks, loud and clear. Whether they get it or not, that’s up to their wits, not your issue to worry.
- Purpose is just another fancy name for survival. Mundane routines have taken over life and as Albert Camus, talks in “The Myth of Sisyphus” we seem to have been doing what we are supposed to be doing and repeating meaningless routines all over again. How to make this interesting? Add in the flavourful word, Passion. You’ve been stressing all your life over this passion, when it’s just another survival instinct to make boring life interesting. Instead focus on the whims of the heart. Forget the names and long term goals. For now, simply follow it to your heart’s content. Somehow, life will start having a new meaning now and you’ll be brave to take up things you’ve never even thought about before.
- Did you know that the universe is conspiring to make all your dreams come true? You dreamed of your adult life being in-charge of life and doing what you love? You know what, as absurd as it seems, all these experiences are leading you towards there. You’re far closer to your dreams than you can imagine. Just breathe, go by the flow and follow the whims of your heart.
- Acceptance is another over-rated terms. In fact, it’s a journey. Like Freud says, your childhood experiences determine who you’ll become. More than experiences, it’s your responses to those experiences. All these experiences of meeting new people, being at different places and phases of life has made you grow into a person with new perspectives. It’s all about processing them and seeing what patterns, values and people make sense to you. That’s acceptance for you and trust me, this is just going to be a lifetime experience, rather than an overnight success.
- Talking about overnight successes, it’s all absolute myth of all time. We have been told this all this while, but the fun part is everything has its own time. The time when you viewed life about a failure, was the time that life took to prepare you for what was to come in the future. Life has so many more flavours to offer and it always wants to make sure that you are ready for it. So, you might as well take some time to savour the beauty you can find at this phase of life? It’s all about patience and preparation. Impulse is cool, but somehow, it’s better to be prepared too.
- Creative high is a beautiful feeling. It’s when you feel floating through air and feeling drunk, even without the help of substance. That’s why I say, I don’t need substance, when I can get high on air. It’s wonderful to get high on ideas and work on them, but consistency is a key too. Using up all your energy to type a piece of beautiful prose and then feeling too drained for the rest of the life, isn’t the artistic life you expect to live. Although, it served your purpose well, these highs did help you create some content that you can add as a feather to your cap, it’s time you get organized and start maintaining some consistency.
- Eccentricity is awesome. Not all people can be eccentric, you know? You’re unique for a reason. But it’d be great to understand it’s common to crave for “normalcy” as defined by the society. In your quest to rebel and stand alone, I don’t want you to feel lonely. It’s okay to want to shop for Diwali’s, celebrate festivities, go party or see a movie out with friends every now and then. These normal things aren’t to be restrained to ‘popular’ people of the class. You belong somewhere too, time to find your time. I do congratulate you to have found your eccentric tribe, treasure them and enjoy that feeling of You-are-not-alone-in-this-world. But it’s okay to go out with people who have a simpler view of life. You never know when they might inspire you to live better. In simple words, I mean, get out of your comfort zone and people who comfort you!
- Learning can really be overwhelming. Especially when a person like you can make it through exams with your high retention power of facts and material for a short period. But you can’t always skim through life. This is where stability and thirst for life comes in. You can just fleet through life, you just can’t get away acting dumb or relying more on emotions than facts. Time to get serious, stop flying and stay rooted where you’re.
- Stop hiding behind fiction and imagination. It’s time to be more close to reality and start voicing out my thought aloud. My fear of validation and various limiting believes did keep me from letting my thoughts out free even on paper. I always had a diplomatic filter that runs spellcheck on all my thoughts, as if even having such thoughts are sin and unacceptable. That fear to be ridiculed, which did happen in one or cases, also kept me to myself. But as a writer by choice, who had to keep communicating on terms of communication medium to get inspired and inspire others, I can’t go with such negative and limiting self-believes. It’s high time I threw them to the wind. Although, we are reaching a point where we are being governed and monitoring by Big Bosses as shown in George Orwell’s 1984. I would still like to believe in the spirits of freedom of expression and let them help me overcome my inferiority complexes and shyness.
- You’re beautifully unique. It took me so many years to convince my heart that I did like dressing up. I discovered so many layers of my personality that were contradictory to what I believed in. I am an ambivert who loves being around people, yet needs some solitude to recharge from day to day interactions. I did love doing normal things that are claimed to be show off, like hyping your boring life to a fabulous one on Social Media, chilling out with friends, taking walks alone, sleeping like a log, shopping on sale and festive times, wanting a movie time, baking and cooking a new delicacy. As much as I rebel to stay unique and out of box, I realize that sometime, I like being within boxes too. It’s all about finding that perfect balance. It’s all about finding YOU and once you do, just owning and being yourself, not afraid of those judgmental stares and whispers behind your back. Which I have successfully accomplished so far, so it’s time to give a pat on the back.
To the person, I’ve become, this letter is for you to help you move forward in life, take each step with conviction and let you be known that there is always options to restart life, just where you’re. You’re on a wonderful journey of growing up and knowing yourself, so I wish you savour it all. I also want you to know that you need to wait for escape routes or new years, because we all know, no matter where you go or what you do, life isn’t going to change unless you do. So, I will leave here a quick list to help you restart your life, one step at a time.
This is an update to how I’ve grown up so far and where I want to see myself in future. This is also a visual reminder to help me be more vocal about my feelings and share all my experiences to show how they’ve shaped my perspectives.
I will come back soon with more articles to talk about my other experiences and perspectives.
Till then, take care. 🙂